Tammy Stoner, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, provides presentations, coaching and counseling services. As the developer of the Teddy Bear Technique® Toolkit she demonstrates fast and fun ways to engage in storytelling for adults and children, and quickly reach the hard to reach. As author, presenter and coach, services are guaranteed to create breakthrough results!
Grief Unique to Each, Common to All
I thought I was well trained in grief. After all, I lost a husband at age 35 suddenly and unexpectedly, while holding him in my arms. No reason, no explanation, and no time to say goodbye. I thought I was well versed in the subject of grief as I lectured on the television, radio and in classes throughout the United States on the subject of teen suicide. I certainly believed these personal experiences, coupled with educational training about grief, had taught me too well about grief and loss. However after losing a Dad at age 71 to cancer three months ago, I have become acutely aware that grief is unique to each person dying and each person mourning. Michael's death, sudden and unexpected, at a time in life when we just don't believe death will occur, gave me the wisdom and insight to understand how fragile life is, and that it could disappear on a moment's notice, without warning, without notice, without preparation, while my own life continued.
I came to understand that while I shared Mike's loss with others, my pain and sorrow were uniquely my own. For years I said "your own pain, is your own pain." Others share it, but what happens inside of you, uniquely belongs to you. It was as if I understood something quite profound about life and living, well before my chronological age. As a licensed clinical social worker, I have learned tips and tools for coping with grief, and have been well trained about grief and loss. I understand Elizabeth Kubler Ross's teachings about the stages of grief. I know that the stages are shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. I have learned they are common to all.
What I did not know until I faced my own personal loss is that they don't happen the same for everybody - they are not neat and orderly as outlined in the textbooks, and not everybody dying or grieving faces them in the same way. My father's death had to teach me that. Dad, age 71, diagnosed with cancer of an unknown primary, cancer of the brain, liver and lungs, died three months following his diagnosis. He elected no treatment, as there was no cure and he didn't want to die. Dad, divorced for over 30 years, surrounded by his five adult children, demonstrated bravery in facing his mortality that moved beyond textbook explanation. His personal physician, family members and friends described it as remarkable and extraordinary, outside of the realm of "typical grief reactions."
As his body wasted with each passing day, his alertness and bravery strengthened and fortified, and mystified those around him. While currently grieving my father's passing, with his death fresh on my mind, I have learned that grief teaches us how to live with strength and dignity in the midst of pain and despair. I have gained greater wisdom in the complexity of human beings, that while each of us will face grief at some point in time, a solitary experience, we share in the universal messages that grief delivers. It's really about love, unique to each, common to all.
Reprint permission granted in part or whole when the following credit appears: Reprinted with permission from Tammy Stoner LCSW at
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